#and feel horribly sick later
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the semester is finally over u know what this means . excessive flowey posting
#when i feel better that is i am horribly sick and burnt out#BUT. soon.#im planning on replaying undertale soon it will make me crazy insane#delete later
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I can't with this game bro
#the only good part was the hatman#im so upset#class of 09#co09#jecka co09#genuinely what the fuck was going on#all the endings were horrible for her#nothing good happened to jecka#idk its like#the first 2 games had a good blend of humor and sadness#flip side is just sad#its only torture for jecka :(#nicole doesnt only have sad endings#good things turn out for her#but it seems like whatever jecka does she either ends up dead or depressed#of course this happens while im hyperfixating on this fuck#i might talk about it more in depth later. i just need to get the sick feeling out of my stomach
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me tryna not get pressed over youtube vidya over pino souls story
#me tryna not get pressed about media literacy and pinocchio bloodborne reskin game#“typical youre the chosen one narrative”#I DUNNO MAN I KINDA THINK THE WHOLE POINT WAS THE SUBVERSION OF THAT??#HIM COMING BACK TO THE HOTEL AFTER THE KOP FIGHT WATCHING THE PUPPETS MOURN AND HAVING THE SINKING FEELING HE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE ?#SOPHIA TELLING US WE LOOK SICK?#THE BIG “HYPOCRITE” BANNER THEY PUT UP IN THE LOBBY LATER?#THE FINAL PHONE CALL ASKING HIM TO CONFESS??#tw caps#lies of p#ignore me my friends. ignore#spoilers
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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If you knowingly go in public sick/contagious you just really dont give a fuck if immunocompromised people live or die or at the very least dont care if we suffer. Fuck!!
#im so tired of being sick im so tired of ppl coming into the studio like 'i was just sick with something horrible' to my face#then me getting horribly sick days later . sometimes having a job doesnt fuxking feel worth it if i suffer all the time#i get no free time bc most of my freetime is me fighting illness or in the hospital#someone came in said 'have u gotten the new sickness? just had it a day ago it was terrible' and i knew id grt sick and now i have a fever#and have hsd one for days. and cant work again.#and its so embrassing when people are like 'oh youre sick again!?'
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whoever sent sunny that cruel ask I really really hope you realise how much that hurts. as if we don't fucking go through enough living life with a disorder as stigmatised as this. only a few people in my life know that I have OSDD because it faces so much stigma. they make fucking horror movies where the killer has my disorder. I don't understand how someone can feel so much malice towards a stranger that they will not only send them an ask basically implying that they Don't Exist and are Pretend, but also take a jab at their identity too?? why are you so unkind? there was nothing forcing you to go out of your way to make a strangers day worse by telling them that they don't fucking exist. systems and fictives have been recognised by psychologists for years. I am recognised as a system by TWO professionals, including a psychiatrist. They both acknowledge sunny's existence because they are professionals in the field of psychology who actually know what they're talking about. you are expressing so much confidence with your ignorance it makes me feel sick. I've turned anons are off on sunny's blog, he's distraught. you disgust me. I am so glad I will never know you.
#I did not go through YEARS of therapy to unlearn my terror of faking my disorder just for some horrible person on the internet#to treat my system this way. you are awful.#rant#ableism#just tagging for the purpose of people who have those filtered#god. I feel sick to my stomach that was so nasty#for reference this person sent an anon ask to sunny pretending to be a roleplayer and pretending to think that sunny was a roleplay blog.#it was glaringly obvious the passive aggressive tone was seeping out of every letter. it was really awful to read I felt my heart drop#and not only that but they made fun of her fucking pronouns????#I'll probably delete this later but god it sickens me. we are just trying to Live#thats what I get for being disordered I guess
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gamers. i miss the sun :(
#i miss being able to go outside and not immediately get sick#been in a weird headspace lately and i can kinda feel myself using things as escapism but thats not a good idea#but also. what can ya do?#its cold. its dark at like 3pm. im sick all the time. i cant do anything except sit at home bc its safe#but also ive been soooo in my head lately even tho i cant do anything!!#the sun will come out again and i'll feel better soon but ohhhhh my god i am going through it#last year i had something to project my sad energy into (writing) and im trying to do the same this year but hm#idk#weird brain time#delete later t!!!#not to mention the horrible comparison my brain keeps doing lately. like dude. shut the fuck up?#im so *screaming*#im gonna stop venting in the tags now lol and go to sleep im tired
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Hi, i've been struggling on this assignment for 6 hours. Yes, i understand what to do. Yes, it can be done in 10 minutes. No, i haven't done it. Can you tell me 5 things you like about me, so i won't hang myself?
#adhd#me when no concentration pills : )#is horrible#too much energy too little brain#i hate it god i hate it#i don't have any juice left for the finals#and my body barely does what i want it to do also#been sick almost every week before this one#I just want to go home soon#but also not cause i'll need to clean#And i nor have i cleaned my room or bathroom or even made my bag to go back home on Thursday#Y'know things that an ADULT is supposed to do#and should've done weeks even months ago#god#and specially today i feel so fucking useless#Like i'm usually useless on the weekends but today i can't even think. I can't even do like the easiest things. Is horrible.#vent#frustration#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#attention deficit disorder (add)#add#vent post#personal vent#adhd vent#adhd paralysis#might probably delete later#idk#god help me#i can't keep working on these i can't doing anymore#i need a vacation urgently
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I would like to try to sleep
Without feeling like I am being stabbed violently in the ribs please and thank you
Can we cooperate please
#the pain isn’t just there#but it’s mostly there and I’m sick of it#I feel HORRENDOUSLY lazy and horrible#and I know logically I can’t help being ill and in pain#but shit sucks!#my head is also absolutely not fucking cooperating with me right now#i feel like my thoughts are bouncing off the walls at a thousand miles a minute#and its driving me crazy#i will delete this later im just going thru it rn my apologies
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#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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god I am acting bleak on main tonight
#🥞🧇#I do maintain that any thought you have after 8pm is not real#but also I have been having a rough go of it lately and no one to really talk to abt that <///3#except like . my therapist#I don’t rlly want to get into it but I’m unhappy with my life and to make matters worse I’m dealing with everything alone#I went from having a support system a matter of months ago to having nothing#due to distance or people not being as invested or some secret third thing I can’t figure out bc texting is stupid and no one calls anymore#belgh it’s just allllll been coming out when I get even a little bit tired#I’m rlly sick and tired of feeling like this and I need to figure out what has to change so I don’t fucking feel like this anymore#I’m working on applying for jobs (still. the search has been horrible) so hopefully once I get hired I’ll start making friends???#idk.#i don’t want to think abt any of that rn#going to just get off my phone read a little and then go to bed probably#and wake up tomorrow and continue on my escapism hobbies that allow me to not feel <3#ok yeah I’m done goodnight#del later probably
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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do i need help and comfort? yes
do i desperately want to gouge my eyes out when i receive it? also very much yes
#did i not sleep a wink crying? yup#did i break down at work and start sobbing in front of the strictest senior doc after he yelled at me? my WORST NIGHTMARE in residency? yup#was everyone actually really nice about it which made me feel WORSE? yes#senior doc sat me down and talked about setting boundaries and helped me a lot even if hes not my supervisor#the nurses who i snapped at and felt horrible were so understanding one nurse just chatted w me over an hour bout games n stuff to cheer up#my work wife stayed w me until 11pm! at my night shift and helped me so much and supported me#i appreciate it all to hell and back but boy getting help feels like shit 😭 i feel like im being babied#or worse i feel like im being pitied#and worst is i still feel like crap and tired and all cry-ish. my brains dumb as shit#vent tw#delete later#idk i need time off but cant have any 🫠#everyone said i should call in sick after my next shift#maybe i should orz#burrito talks
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trying to draw smth emotional when having flat and shallow emotions yourself fucking sucks
#drew 3 sketches but in the end they didn't make me feel anything beside the sickening emptiness#it's as if you asked someone who's never seen some thing draw this thing#you can never get it right#I'm bad w artistic comparisons or whatever it's called in english#may post them later or not idk I don't feel like posti my drawings now I'm having a massive crisis and idk if I'm ever gonna b over it#I don't fw art school homework#literally forcing art out of yourself feels horrible like ur not a person but a factory#a mechanism without feelings and emotions whose only option is: p.e.r.f.e.c.t.i.o.n#and practice#how can I practice if I can't feel a thing and everything makes me sick everyone makes me sick I want a way out#drawing doesn't save me anymore#doesn't provide a way out#thank you art school#it's not a confort hobbie to relax it's something that makes me fell stressed and sick and worthless#losing passion for the only thing you loved doing is... frustrating at least#smells.like.a.freakshow
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I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
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yeah pretty sure i have covid
#birdie rambles#gonna take a test later if we have any#but i woke up feeling so so so sick#i’ve never felt this horrible 😭
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